Archive for October, 2009

I Need Air

Posted in Experiences: Bangladesh on October 23, 2009 by Meta

          I promised my best friends to quit posting suicidal stuff, but it’s just too hard to keep that promise. It’s not like my best friend is not important enough to make me keep my promise, but all those promises are connected in a complicated way and that it turned out that I find it’s hard to keep my own words. I feel the need to break my promise. It seems to me that people around me seem to not even care about keeping their promises at all, formally and informally.

          Why do people never care to keep their promises? If they can’t do what they say, why do they keep saying? Maybe they want us to fit in their norms to survive in their societies, but how can we be obedient leaders?

          Sorry, I’m not that obedient. Don’t make me feel stupid and obedient because of the fact that I’m young. I’m old enough to know who says the truth, or what is dark and light.

          This paradox is just not what I want, or is that what they want? They create norms for me to obey, but they do not comply with their own rules. What’s the point?

          Do they want to push me to calm myself by saying Hello to heroine? To buy a rope to hang myself or to go back to the start when we both know my bridge was already cut?

          Everyone wants to get away from depression/ / suicidal blocks the way/ /cuts the wing/. It’s very common for people to understand that, but I still think that only the one who is in the box can feel the suffocation – the trap, but sometimes when I was trapped in a box, I was convinced that I had been experiencing living in the real world, and Yes! I was fooled by the beauty I saw through the box’s cells, but how could the box have cells?

           It was all an illusion to fool me. I almost never knew what I was in. I just knew that I couldn’t straighten my legs and my arms. I couldn’t stand straight. I felt like I was literally in a 1m3 box with a barbed roof. I was queasy and the dizziness made me nervous each time I heard a voice, because I knew the voice was going to lure me to pull my mouth up and smile to show that I was grateful with the place they provided and the promises they made, but I knew I was just a project – a mouse for an experiment.

           What could I do to make my voice be heard? They’d say, “What are you to me to ask for that?”

           I knew the price I was after was very vague. It was on the edge of promises that were never fully kept. I had lost my voice for 4 months; they shut me up. I didn’t need an invisible shield to hide me. I was already invisible and completely ignored.

          When I was not strong enough to stay mute, I barely spoke up. My stories sucked; they were vague just like my future, my novel was never written more than a few hundred words. I bet my writing mentor would suggest me to tell her the reason why she would need to take a look at my writings.

          All in all, my points were ambiguous, absolutely elusive. But I have to say it now because I’m afraid I’d lose my voice forever if I stayed shut down.

          I really need distractions – I need a lot of works to do to make me calm down; I just need to be busy with those works to be able to forget where I’m at. I was so confused that I didn’t even know I needed help.

          I’m not asking for a complete change in my condition, I want improvement. I know maybe I need 70% of the oxygen to stay healthy, and I know I might not be able to lose my breath when I get only 10% of the oxygen they have provided in the box – I know it’s not enough to kill me; and I know I’d be able to survive through that, but I need my heart to beat less than 200 beat per minute. Give me at least 40% of the overall oxygen that I need to breathe.

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Once the Sun Wouldn’t Shine, Just Walk Through the Dark for a Day

Posted in Solutions on October 6, 2009 by Meta

                My teacher said, “Sometimes things get blurred in front of us, but they get clearer in the future”. If you read some books about people’s lives, you’ll see, my teacher is right about what she said.

               Sometimes, we don’t know what we are doing, we don’t know whether these things we spend time with are worth doing, but time will help you to explain what these things you are doing mean to you. You just need to stay strong and conscious for it, time, to give you the strength to figure out.

               Do not give up your soberness! Be healthy with your body, mind, heart and soul. Everything is possible. My other teacher said that “problems are to be solved. They are a part of our lives; without them, we lost that part of our lives.

               My new friend said she used to take a whole bottle of pills, but she said she was okay, at that time. There was no bubble coming out of her mouth like in the movie or like what she thought it would have happened. However, from then, she felt like her body was weaker than before. She is now more vulnerable than before, physically. Nevertheless, it taught her a lesson. She said, “After I took them, I started to realize that there is always a solution to a problem.

              Now if I didn’t know her past, I’d think that she’s the happiest girl among all the girls I know.

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Re-socialize Yourselves!

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              (Anyway, the point of this post is for some teenagers who really hate their lives or everyone around them to find another way to live through their days.)

              Sometimes I agree with what Jan Burke said in the video clip of The Day the Universe Changed that “all that matters about this life is getting ready for the next one.

              Really, some people do not care about what they have for now; they are only worried about what they are going to have. Sometimes people think they never had what they wanted and they never have what they want. Some people are waiting for people around them to make them feel better or to give them what they want, and some people just want to get away from where they are. They’d scream, “Please, would somebody take me away from this pain.”

              Sometimes people want to go back to their past and start things all over again. They think it’d be better if they had another chance. For this point, it reminds me of the 17 Again movie, the idea that people think they should better do this or that instead if they had a chance to go back to the start. That’s never going to happen. Wake up, people! If you always wake up in the morning regretting what you have done, you’ll never be okay; besides, what’s the point to be upset all the time?

             Life sucks; everyone knows that, but you’ve got to have faith in what you’re doing and what you decide to do. If you make a mistake and you wish to go back to change it, you’re mistaken because the truth is you would make the same mistake again. That’s just because you are you, you always make your own mistakes. You can’t change what you’ve done, but you can always improve yourself.

            If you can’t handle the truth now, you never can because from day-to-day, things get harder. It’d never be better or easier. Drugs, alcohol, and sleeping pills can always cheat your current situation for a while. They make up illusionary scenes for you. They’d take you to the world you thought there’d be no frustration that the real world gives to you. That’s the idea you shouldn’t have had.

            Some people believe that drugs, alcohol, and sleeping pills would never lie. If you one of those people, you’re lying to yourself. Living with those things is worse than living a day without the sunlight because you’re living a lie. Therefore, you should reconsider how to live your life without those things.

            Once the sun wouldn’t shine, just walk through the dark for a day and you’ll find out you’re still breathing. Once you can do it, you survive the pain! That’s the best part of how to re-instal ways to live your live — re-socialize yourselves.