“Life Does Not Make Sense”
I’ve talked and written a lot about others’ lives and feelings. I’ve written about how their feelings could lead them to drugs. I’ve written about how they should do to pull themselves back. I know it is hard for them, but it is even harder when it comes to be me.
Short explanation, I am not doing drugs and I don’t think I’m going to, but what I feel right now is probably one of the pre-feelings of drugs users. That sounds complicated, it is complex just because I feel complicated, and that’s why my writing is complicated.
I know one thing that if I were near some of my friends who do drugs, I’d probably taste it. I’m so weak to deny it, but the truth is I’m not near a single friend like that, not anymore. My friends who are near me right now give me inspiration, they give me a reason to smile, and they give me a reason to be strong, just to look at them. They don’t even have to do anything with me. I just can’t become one of those addicts when I’m around these friends.
I don’t know if this moment is “the turning point of my life” or not because it’s not me who is changed, it is everything around me that is changed, but not by me. I’m not native English. I don’t know what these words really mean implicitly. I can’t infer anything right now.
I don’t feel like I wake up at the morning and lose everything that I thought I had. It’s not what I feel right now. What I really feel is empty. In a sudden everything turned out to be the end. It’s OVUR! In the morning is so hard to wake up. The trees are too green to look at. The sun is too bright to stay outside and the weather is so hot that I can’t go anywhere.
This is the first time of my life that I really learn something, something that is called “Life doesn’t make sense,” I’ve learned the real meaning of this sentence from this real world, just yesterday. I’ve seen tears of more than 140 women just yesterday too. Maybe not all of them crying, but they probably felt the same pain.
I didn’t want to ask someone about anything because I felt like I knew the answers. However, I asked myself, is it enough to cry? “Is it enough to die? But somebody saved my life.”
All I want to do is “I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go, forget about anything and run away. I just wanna fall and lose myself, life is so hard and it hurts like hell.”
Now I figured out that all the things that I’ve done are not the real me who has done it, it’s a robot who did everything instead of me. I’ve not used my brain to think and protest about anything for so long, I’ve used it to be “flexible,” the only word that has driven me crazy for a year.
I can’t find myself right now. I don’t know who the one in the mirror is, the one that has stolen my life. She has stolen my days and nights. I’ve lost myself in a place that I never knew before. I can’t blame anyone. It was ME who chose to be where I am right now. I can go back home, but I can’t face the truth. I’ve got the feeling that my family won’t accept me. I’m so F—ked up!
All I know is that it’s already too late. Every good thing is so good to be true. I should have known, I don’t deserve such luck, but it’s not my fault. In fact, I’m grateful for everything I’ve got because it is the only thing that I’ve had.
Helen Keller was right, “If life is easy, we don’t learn anything.”
Life is pain, but that is just the way it goes. For me, I’m not sorry for myself even though I don’t know where to go, I have no money to go to college and I don’t have a job. It is my fault that I don’t have the strength to “catch up” with what I thought I supposed to. The only one that I feel sorry for is my father.
However, “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this way alone.”
All I can say is all about conditional contrary to facts. This robot is run out of gas. I’m so parched. Give me some water. I don’t want to wait for rain drops to fall into my mouth because then it will be too late.
 Sentences from Anything but Ordinary lyric by Avril Lavigne
 Sentences from Run Away lyric by Avril Lavigne
 Sentences from Famous Last Words lyric by My Chemical Romance