“Life Does Not Make Sense”

                 I’ve talked and written a lot about others’ lives and feelings. I’ve written about how their feelings could lead them to drugs. I’ve written about how they should do to pull themselves back. I know it is hard for them, but it is even harder when it comes to be me.

            Short explanation, I am not doing drugs and I don’t think I’m going to, but what I feel right now is probably one of the pre-feelings of drugs users. That sounds complicated, it is complex just because I feel complicated, and that’s why my writing is complicated.

I know one thing that if I were near some of my friends who do drugs, I’d probably taste it. I’m so weak to deny it, but the truth is I’m not near a single friend like that, not anymore. My friends who are near me right now give me inspiration, they give me a reason to smile, and they give me a reason to be strong, just to look at them. They don’t even have to do anything with me. I just can’t become one of those addicts when I’m around these friends.

I don’t know if this moment is the turning point of my life” or not because it’s not me who is changed, it is everything around me that is changed, but not by me. I’m not native English. I don’t know what these words really mean implicitly. I can’t infer anything right now.       

Where is the Reason to LiveI don’t feel like I wake up at the morning and lose everything that I thought I had. It’s not what I feel right now. What I really feel is empty. In a sudden everything turned out to be the end. It’s OVUR! In the morning is so hard to wake up. The trees are too green to look at. The sun is too bright to stay outside and the weather is so hot that I can’t go anywhere.

            This is the first time of my life that I really learn something, something that is called Life doesn’t make sense,” I’ve learned the real meaning of this sentence from this real world, just yesterday. I’ve seen tears of more than 140 women just yesterday too. Maybe not all of them crying, but they probably felt the same pain.

Image’s InFO: Where is My Hope

             I didn’t want to ask someone about anything because I felt like I knew the answers. However, I asked myself, is it enough to cry? “Is it enough to die? But somebody saved my life.”[1]

            All I want to do is “I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go, forget about anything and run away. I just wanna fall and lose myself, life is so hard and it hurts like hell.”[2]

            Now I figured out that all the things that I’ve done are not the real me who has done it, it’s a robot who did everything instead of me. I’ve not used my brain to think and protest about anything for so long, I’ve used it to be “flexible,” the only word that has driven me crazy for a year.

            I can’t find myself right now. I don’t know who the one in the mirror is, the one that has stolen my life. She has stolen my days and nights. I’ve lost myself in a place that I never knew before. I can’t blame anyone. It was ME who chose to be where I am right now. I can go back home, but I can’t face the truth. I’ve got the feeling that my family won’t accept me. I’m so F—ked up!

            All I know is that it’s already too late. Every good thing is so good to be true. I should have known, I don’t deserve such luck, but it’s not my fault. In fact, I’m grateful for everything I’ve got because it is the only thing that I’ve had.

            Helen Keller was right, “If life is easy, we don’t learn anything.”

Life is pain, but that is just the way it goes. For me, I’m not sorry for myself even though I don’t know where to go, I have no money to go to college and I don’t have a job. It is my fault that I don’t have the strength to catch up with what I thought I supposed to. The only one that I feel sorry for is my father.

However, “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this way alone.”[3]

My future is in my hand, but maybe I don’t have any hand to hold on to it. I’m powerless, useless and disappointing.

All I can say is all about conditional contrary to facts. This robot is run out of gas. I’m so parched. Give me some water. I don’t want to wait for rain drops to fall into my mouth because then it will be too late.


[1] Sentences from Anything but Ordinary lyric by Avril Lavigne

[2] Sentences from Run Away lyric by Avril Lavigne

[3] Sentences from Famous Last Words lyric by My Chemical Romance

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11 Responses to ““Life Does Not Make Sense””

  1. auwstudents Says:

    Meta,
    This is a fantastic post. I really appreciate the honesty and the self-reflection.
    Your writing and English has improved so much, I am proud to have been able to see you grow as a student. Try to keep positive and continue with your self expression.

    -Ms Amy

  2. poorvoices Says:

    Hey Meta,

    I believe you have spoken voices of those 140 women. Your simple and honest thoughts portrayed so clearly that I heard you speaking when I read it.

    Great work and thanks for speaking my voice as well.

    Peace,
    Prabi

  3. farzanamithila Says:

    Great work Meta….

  4. Superb Meta………
    tone seems like reflective. thank you so much that you felt my pain also. you know one thing.. God never gives problems without any solutions. So, i hope there will be a solution for that. keep writing your thoughts. well done meta………..

  5. Sovathary Says:

    Just like all these sweet people have commented here, but now I’m speechless. It always gave me a painful feeling whenever I didn’t see your smile, even for a few minute. You know that you’re the reason why I keep my face up to the sun, because just so the shadow will fall behind. There was once I woke up in the morning and found myself paralyzed, that was when you were gone! But I got nothing to lose now. I don’t know where my natural positiveness comes from, but when you’re sad, don’t frown, coz you wouldn’t know who just loves to see your smile.

    Best friend for life,
    Sovathary

  6. If you like to read my blog, I’ve created a blog again. Now, let’s share every experiences.

  7. Hi, nice post. I have been wondering about this issue,so thanks for writing. I’ll definitely be coming back to your blog.

  8. this so good.
    i want to know your blog.
    i want share this story to my friends

  9. Thank you Youdha.
    Of course, you can.
    It’s my pleasure to know that.

  10. krista mizzi Says:

    i hate life, as of ‘i really don’t give a fuck’ ago… my best friend was on my boyfriends facebook ( she knows his password) and he had a message from a girl named Taylor ( my boyfriend had mentioned to me that she had liked him before) and in passed messages he had called her babe, twice, wrote hearts to her, and told her that he loved her…. she replied with “i hate you” when he said “i love you” and the “babe”‘s she replied ” u just called me babe, lol” but that makes no difference. my boyfriend had been acting weird lately and i thought something was up, i never thought that he would do something like this to me. we used to tell each other that we loved one another all the time, he hadn’t said it in a while and if he did, it didn’t sound believable. i loved him, i showed him that i loved him, he loved me, we were in love and now i want to die, because as of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ ago i have no reason to live.

  11. Dear Krista,
    First of all, I just want to share how I feel about my life since you told me your intimate feelings. I too hate my life, but not everything about it and not always. There are some good and bad things about life. Sometimes you need to bear the bad things and wait for the good things to happen.

    About boys and what they say:

    Guess what, sometimes you need to believe when your boyfriend says, “I love you,” because most of the times, boys don’t go saying this phrase all the time to any other girls. Most boys say that because they mean that, but it does not mean that they will love you for the rest of their lives. At the moment, YES, they love you when they say it, but then the feeling just fades away because of some reasons.
    The reasons might be because:

    • Sometimes it is just because girls are “too close to comfort.” It is not easy for them too to always tell someone what, when, why and how they do anything at all even though they love that someone so much that they want to be open, but they just cannot be open enough for you.

    • Sometimes they just get tired of the little things we girls do like the fact that some of us are always complaining about our shoes and finger nails. Well, guess what? They don’t want to spend all the time in the world to listen to us anymore. So they set themselves free.

    • Sometimes they are assholes who just cannot be trusted. They come to you to get what they want and after they finish their business, they’re gone. They just don’t give a f—k about anything. Maybe they have a philosophy to follow in life like, “take what you can; give nothing back,” (I’m just saying that because I just watch Jack Sparrow for the 25th times last night) or maybe you’re just their bets, or maybe they just want to prove their friends that they’re the real men.

    There are more options about what types of men they can appear to be, but this text is not about them boys; it’s about us girls.

    So what can we girls do about it? Can we just go, “oh, now you want to break up with me? Well, let’s do it!” Or should we just start crying like a baby and going to the chocolate store because we have been dumped? Or we just start planning on burning their new girlfriends’ hair to make us feel better about our looks? Should we start dating other boys to prove our ex-s that we’re not losers? Should we complain about this to our best friends and let them comfort us instead of watching old movies alone every Friday night? Should we go doing something crazy to ourselves because we think no one wants us anymore because even the ones we love the most have just left us? Should we smoke some weeds, marijuana or start doing some drugs to forget about this pain just for awhile? Or should we just act like nothing happen and go back to our old time when we didn’t have them invading in our lives?

    What now? What should we do to make it right? Of course, we can’t just forget what just happened after a lifelong living or even a very short moment with them. Something has changed and we knew some parts of us have been broken – not beyond repair, but it might take time to restore our distorted souls.

    You know what? I don’t know what to do for sure to be honest, but one thing that I know is that whatever you do, do it for your recovery – do it for your own good, not for them. The reason for that is because when they leave us, they already leave us with broken hearts, and if we try to break ourselves even more, we can hardly come back to our sanity when we’re over them. Most likely, we will regret what we’ve done wrong to ourselves when time goes by.

    ∆ On the other hand, it is really hard to stop yourselves from thinking of ways to get yourselves killed after all you’ve been through. People say, “if you think you can’t go on with your lives, just live for one more day.” Seriously, it makes you live and get used to living. It’s not easy as it’s said, but it works, for some people. Sometimes time seems to be the only thing that can make you figure out what to live for/what is worth living for. You know, tarde o temprano, you know what to do with your life.

    Also, both physical and mental exercises can help you feel better. Whatever works, try it. You know what I mean. Do whatever it takes to make you feel better (anything that does not affect others’ feelings) like running along the street while listening to music, jogging in a public garden and looking at other people doing different things at a time, going for a walk with your little doggie, shopping with your girly friends, crying alone in your room with the music on, talking with friends on your parents’ phones (so that you don’t have to pay for the call you make), telling how you feel to your counselors even though they pretend to be interested in your stories, watching classic black and white movies like Casablanca or Romance Holiday (so that you can appreciate how cool it is to be in the 21st centaury with the variety of color on your TV), singing aloud even though you’re a little behind with the lyric (screaming a little is okay too), going boxing (some girls do like that; I don’t why; they just do), doing some meditation or martial arts (so that you might feel like precious ancient heroes to be), doing some make up for your little sisters (that’s what I’m planning to do when I’m home), learning sign language with your best friends, donating some t-shirt to the Chinese people who get affected by the earthquake, applying for the scholarship in Kuwait, bungee jumping (that’s my dream sport activity : ), going for a Grand Tour like sister Wendy (that’s not what I’m looking forward to, but it might make you see the world through different people’s eyes) – do whatever suit your interests and after awhile you might want to live again. You never know what could happen unless you live through that moment, right?
    So far so good? Well, Krista, I hope you’re not bored. It’s not too broad and I have a variety of solution for you. Hopefully, you might like to try one to make you feel better. Even if you don’t feel like doing one of those things, do something else. There are a lot of things that you’ve never realized you could do and there are a bunch of little things that you’ve never known those could make you felt better after you’ve tried those.

    Whatever you do, just don’t give up on yourselves. Be a little selfish if you have to. By selfish, I mean loving yourself a little more and appreciate your life a little more. There has to be some parts of you that you like. For instance, for me, I like my memories (even though I can hardly remember anything at all since I’ve eaten curry eggs and chicken for two years; I’m just saying that because I don’t like it), I like my perspective (it’s very subjective, but it gives me ideas about things), I like my wrists because those look weird to my friends and it makes me feel special. Well, I don’t realize anything else to like about myself right now, but it’s okay; I’m working on it and you can work on it too.

    Sometimes it makes me feel sad to believe that there is no next life or there is no connection between this life to the next what so ever. And that is the reason why I like about Buddhism, the part that Buddha said that people always refered back to their interests in their past lives. That means that I can have my perspective back if I will be born again, but my memories are to loose to the death or else I don’t know the alternative, and what about my wrists? I might or might not have those kinds of wrists for my next life! So what’s the point? Well, my point is if I live longer, I might live with these 3 great things that I appreciate about being Méta – being me and than I will die without regret. Who knows? Maybe until the day that I die, I might get tired of those 3 things and that is okay with me too.

    Therefore, you should know my conclusion. Live your life to the last moment. Give yourself a little love, mercy, understanding and forgiveness. Don’t just end your life or hurt yourself because then you’re just like the boy, only you could do worst to yourself than what he could do to you, savvy?

    Well, I hope you are getting better, Krista.

    Bueno, nos vemos. Dale recuerdos a la familia.

    Je t’embrasse,

    Méta

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