Archive for April, 2009

Say to Yourselves “J’en ai marre d’avoir la vie en blanche et noire! “– I’m sick of having a life in black and white!

Posted in Solutions on April 30, 2009 by Meta

            Someone wrecked all my expectation. I feel like thunder crushing is rumbling right in my ear. So many sounds in my head including growling, whimpering, sobbing, chuckling, siren wailing, bell tolling, clanging, clicking, tire screeching, traffic rushing, engine starts rewind, glasses crushing, that I can’t concentrate.

One thing that I know now is that after the rain, the sky is still dark, and the sun won’t shine on me. However, I realized I’m a human, and humans are adapted. So, sooner or later, I’ll get used to live in this crazy messed up world even though there will be no sunlight.

I figured I don’t have to wait for the one who is still hiding behind the cloud because waiting for that one is like waiting for a miracle to happen when everyone knows the truth that life is not a fairytale

Anyway, I feel better when I know that the friends of mine read what I’ve written in my previous post. They said they felt the same, and they who wanted to say goodbye to this spiteful world finally give it a try to look for the reason to live.

For everyone out there, I want to say to you that, “Just hold on tight and your lives will go on.

Even though my previous post made my friends started to feel better, one of them ended up running to me crying. She told me while she tried to hold her tears, “This is how I feel. I’m glad you’ve said what most of us can’t say it out loud.

Well, the truth is me neither. I could not say it out loud. I just wrote it because it’s better that way.

One thing that is important is you have to learn how to give yourselves inspiration. Say to yourselves, “I’m sick of having a life in black and white,” and this is the time that you need to color up your lives.

Remember that life is a failure, life is a success. Life is full of nothing. Life is everything in between. One step forward and you see the sunlight. One step behind, and your lives can never be the same again. Life is an experiment that cannot be done. Life is everything and nothing, but it is the only thing that matters to you and me. It is the only thing that we have had.

One more thing that I want to add to this is that, “Do not give up this life so easy that people will roll their eyes. Keep on living to make them speechless.

All the Broken Hearts “Welcome to My Life”

Posted in Decisions on April 15, 2009 by Meta

(This post is dedicated to a few friends of mine who face the same problem as I do. Now they are sick of their lives. Lately, I’ve seen them sitting and crying. I don’t think they are going to do drugs, but it is even worse to know that they want to end their lives. )

Things change, people change. It is disappointing, but don’t just kill yourselves. Things always go bad and worse, just don’t make it the worst. I’m begging you my friends. Let’s take another step forward with your destiny. My best friend said that life is not easy to get, but it’s easy to lose. Besides, you can die today and nothing’s going to change, but if you can live till tomorrow, something might change. In fact, it always does. Everything changes, only the change remains the same.

I know you want this thing, and it is all that you want, but things don’t always turn out your ways. Nothing’s falling into place. You’re feeling lost, I’m feeling lost too. Everyone out there knows how it feels too. You’re not the only ones who face this problem.

You have to think and re-think. Don’t just do something and don’t actually know what you are doing. You have to learn how to love your memory. It gives you good and bad feelings, but it is the only thing that you’ve got. Don’t give up your life. Even though this world is so cruel and unfair to you, it’s still beautiful. You have to learn how to live with this pain.

At this moment, you don’t need to question yourself about what and who you’re going to live for. You’re too busy to think of the answers.

 If you really think you can’t go on with this life, at least just sleep without doing anything for three days and three nights. You know the famous Iranian painter, Marjane Satrapi? She finally found her new live after a long night sleep.

 At least, you should think about what you want first because maybe it might give you inspiration. Like me for example, if I’m going to lose everything, I’ll still have my memory and I know what I want, and I want to do a lot of things before I think of dying.

I want to go to the Veronicas’ concert in Australia.

I want to do bungee jumping in Vienna, Austria because I want to feel the wind when I jump off the bridge.

I want to go to les Champs-Elysées to think about my ex.

I want to join La Fête de la Francophonie in my French school and sing a song called “Donne-moi le temps” to dedicate it to someone.

I want to visit la Cathédrale Notre-Dame to see what it is exactly and say to it, “C’est vraiment magnifique!”

I want to go to a Carnival in a small town in the U.S.

I want to walk along the way in Canada in autumn in a small village.

I want to rent a small space under Sakura trees in Japan for a picnic because I want to feel its flowers fall on my face while I’m eating sushi.

I want to work in Seoul for two years and eat kimchi and black noodle every evening in autumn under the trees.

I want to go to India to see behind the scenes of dancing Bollywood movies to see how directors arrange a lot of people to just dance and re-dance.

I want to go to Germany to find Mr. J, the man who broke my best friend’s heart and then tell him what a jerk he was.

I want to go back to Cambodia to see my childhood friend’s concert and after he sings, I’ll knock his head to make him realize what he had done to my skinny friend, Rotha.

I want to take a picture of Cleopatra’s mummy in Egypt.

I want to slap my brother twice for the way that he has wasted his 400$ salary every month on his 7 temporary girlfriends.

I want to give my mother some money to take care of my older sister who has been sick (mentally).

I want to buy my little sister a pair of shoes.

I want to pay my dad’s dept.

I have not done any of these things yet because I’m so busy with this damn life. Then it turned out to be nothing. So now that I have nothing, I’ve got nothing to lose. However, at least, I know what I want, and It makes me alive. It gives me hope.

There is one thing that you should always remember that you’re not the ones who face this problem, everyone faces this kind of problem and at least about 120 of us are in the same spot. If you kill yourself, you will become a bad example for us all.

Remember that Life is meaningful when you’ve found the reason to live.

This song is for you, my Friends.

“Welcome To My Life”

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
and no one understands you.

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming.

 No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life.

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you’re bleeding

No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels alright
You don’t know what it’s like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I’m happy
But I’m not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don’t know what it’s like
What it’s like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life

Lyric’s InFO: Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan

Is It Better to Leave Drug Addicts Alone, or Should We Bring Them out of the Black Hole?

Posted in Solutions on April 14, 2009 by Meta

 

Of course, people should take care of each other because the truth is we live in the same world. We are all interacting together. We are a part of an ecosystem. We should never let go of one another’s hands.

If we open one eye and close the other one, (to watch the problem happening and ignore it) the problem, sooner or later will come to us whether directly or indirectly because a problem is an infectious disease which is transmitted from one to another person. Then it will become an outbreak, epidemic, and last, a pandemic. So what we should do now is to react and prevent the spreading quickly to eradicate this fatal infectious disease.

As for a drug addict, if no one cares about him/her, s/he will spread the usage of drugs to a few persons, then a few person to a group of people and then it will spread outside of a community and then all over the world.

         Let our minds bring hope to them. Hands in hands, arms in arms, pull our people and walk together toward the end of the earth.

“How Could This Happen To ME?”

Posted in Experiences: Bangladesh on April 10, 2009 by Meta

               This is how I feel. I have a hundred questions that I can’t ask anybody else but myself. Before, I just told addicts to pull themselves back, but now I’m trying to pull myself back. It is my experiment. I need to find out if this solution works or not. I’m feeling lost. I need time to think.

The song below says exactly what I feel.

“Untitled”

I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight

 And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

 How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

                   Everybody’s screaming                     
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I’ve made my mistakes
I’ve got nowhere to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Lyric’s InFO: Untitled by Simple Plan

“Life Does Not Make Sense”

Posted in Experiences: Bangladesh on April 8, 2009 by Meta

                 I’ve talked and written a lot about others’ lives and feelings. I’ve written about how their feelings could lead them to drugs. I’ve written about how they should do to pull themselves back. I know it is hard for them, but it is even harder when it comes to be me.

            Short explanation, I am not doing drugs and I don’t think I’m going to, but what I feel right now is probably one of the pre-feelings of drugs users. That sounds complicated, it is complex just because I feel complicated, and that’s why my writing is complicated.

I know one thing that if I were near some of my friends who do drugs, I’d probably taste it. I’m so weak to deny it, but the truth is I’m not near a single friend like that, not anymore. My friends who are near me right now give me inspiration, they give me a reason to smile, and they give me a reason to be strong, just to look at them. They don’t even have to do anything with me. I just can’t become one of those addicts when I’m around these friends.

I don’t know if this moment is the turning point of my life” or not because it’s not me who is changed, it is everything around me that is changed, but not by me. I’m not native English. I don’t know what these words really mean implicitly. I can’t infer anything right now.       

Where is the Reason to LiveI don’t feel like I wake up at the morning and lose everything that I thought I had. It’s not what I feel right now. What I really feel is empty. In a sudden everything turned out to be the end. It’s OVUR! In the morning is so hard to wake up. The trees are too green to look at. The sun is too bright to stay outside and the weather is so hot that I can’t go anywhere.

            This is the first time of my life that I really learn something, something that is called Life doesn’t make sense,” I’ve learned the real meaning of this sentence from this real world, just yesterday. I’ve seen tears of more than 140 women just yesterday too. Maybe not all of them crying, but they probably felt the same pain.

Image’s InFO: Where is My Hope

             I didn’t want to ask someone about anything because I felt like I knew the answers. However, I asked myself, is it enough to cry? “Is it enough to die? But somebody saved my life.”[1]

            All I want to do is “I just wanna scream and lose control, throw my hands up and let it go, forget about anything and run away. I just wanna fall and lose myself, life is so hard and it hurts like hell.”[2]

            Now I figured out that all the things that I’ve done are not the real me who has done it, it’s a robot who did everything instead of me. I’ve not used my brain to think and protest about anything for so long, I’ve used it to be “flexible,” the only word that has driven me crazy for a year.

            I can’t find myself right now. I don’t know who the one in the mirror is, the one that has stolen my life. She has stolen my days and nights. I’ve lost myself in a place that I never knew before. I can’t blame anyone. It was ME who chose to be where I am right now. I can go back home, but I can’t face the truth. I’ve got the feeling that my family won’t accept me. I’m so F—ked up!

            All I know is that it’s already too late. Every good thing is so good to be true. I should have known, I don’t deserve such luck, but it’s not my fault. In fact, I’m grateful for everything I’ve got because it is the only thing that I’ve had.

            Helen Keller was right, “If life is easy, we don’t learn anything.”

Life is pain, but that is just the way it goes. For me, I’m not sorry for myself even though I don’t know where to go, I have no money to go to college and I don’t have a job. It is my fault that I don’t have the strength to catch up with what I thought I supposed to. The only one that I feel sorry for is my father.

However, “I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this way alone.”[3]

My future is in my hand, but maybe I don’t have any hand to hold on to it. I’m powerless, useless and disappointing.

All I can say is all about conditional contrary to facts. This robot is run out of gas. I’m so parched. Give me some water. I don’t want to wait for rain drops to fall into my mouth because then it will be too late.


[1] Sentences from Anything but Ordinary lyric by Avril Lavigne

[2] Sentences from Run Away lyric by Avril Lavigne

[3] Sentences from Famous Last Words lyric by My Chemical Romance

Shooting Heroine to Forget about Father and Friend’s Mother’s Affair – a submission to Your Story

Posted in Experiences: Bangladesh on April 7, 2009 by Meta

          

            Drugs addicts are everywhere including in Bangladesh. Family crisis is one of the main factors that lead people, especially teenagers to drugs. For instance, Osru’s father and her friend’s mother made out. Knowing about this affair, Osru and her best friend, Jolly, together crying and fighting. They then shot drugs in Jolly’s boy friend’s house.

            After living three months in Bangladesh, I know an open girl named Osru. The second time I met Osru, I could understand the pain behind her dark eyes. After sitting and talking for a while, she said to me, “My father was like a god to me. I never could forgive him after I knew his real face.”

Osru described her shocking life experience without even looking at me. She said, “I used to be an innocent girl who saw everything positively, but then my peaceful world was completely crushed.”

            The story began when her parents and her best friend’s parents were best friends. They always went to each other’s house to have dinner together. The world was beautiful until one day when her mother went to look after her grandmother. That night, Osru and her best friend saw her father and Jolly’s mother had one night stand in her home.

She got a feeling like someone hacked her head. She felt like the sky felt upon her and she couldn’t even stand up. She was fallen behind.

When I was speechless, she pulled her shirt down a bit and pointed her finger at her front left shoulder, “This is the black spot that my father gave me as a warning to keep my mouth shut,” she said.

In fact, he didn’t need to do that because Osru could barely talk about it. She could never confess it to her mother even if she tried to. Apart of her wanted to wake her mother up, but the other part of her told herself that it would only just break apart the whole family if she told her mother. Jolly also felt the same.

They both could not look each other in the eyes. They wanted to break their friendship apart, but they kept holding on to each other. They cried over each other’s shoulder. They hit, they blamed themselves, but then they realized it was not their faults. They could not hate each other nor face the truth. As they couldn’t handle the problem, they decided to shoot heroine together. It was Jolly’s boy friend who provided them the drugs.

They had been shooting drugs for six months, and no one else knew it. Osru was getting thinner and thinner, she ate almost nothing. Then her boy friend, Hassan, noticed that she was shooting drugs. After knowing that, he slapped her every day until she stopped shooting heroine.

She showed me scars-bladed all over her forearms and both of her labs. She said, “My father would kill me if he knew it.”

 “I love Hassan so much that I stop shooting it. The first time I missed shooting it, I sucked my own blood. It was dripping all over the place and then I fainted. When I woke up, no one came home yet. So I cleaned up the floor. My Kamiz[1] hid my wounds so no one noticed it,” she said.

She could stop it at last because she was only a newly drugs user. Jolly told her that she would stop, but she couldn’t because she fell too deep into the black hole. Raaj[2] loved someone else, but he raped her. It was even more pressure for Jolly.

Osru lastly said, “I can’t tell if she can stop it because even I, I’m not sure how long I can stay away from it, but I will encourage her to stop it. I know her and she knows me. I’m the only one who can pull her back. She always backs me up. This time, it’s my turn to help her.”

PS: Each name in the story has been changed to keep their privacy.


[1] Bangladesh shirt

[2] Jolly’s boy friend

Keep Your Kids Away From Drugs – Keep Them in Good Conditions

Posted in Solutions on April 3, 2009 by Meta

One of my friends said that drug addicts needed attention, care and love to delight their lives up again, and I think she is right about that because most people look strong only on the outside. The truth is they don’t have inner strength, and some of them do drugs because they believe that drugs can make them stronger and more confident. For example, one of my writings mentioned about Veasna, a 22 year-old boy, who shot drugs because his parents ignored him.

As for me, even though my dad always left me on my own, I’m okay because I’ve got my mother to inspire me and friends to talk to. It is a medicine that keeps me away from depression and psychological illness. Thanks to them and their supports, I’m not a victim of drugs.

For me, I think it is okay to leave kids to stand up on their own two feet when they are grown up, but it’s not reasonable to leave them alone when they are just kids. Especially when they need a family to support them, to cheer them up, to share a great-great-grandparents’ stories, to tell every stupid thing that kids like us always do, to love and to beloved, to be backed up, to hold on to, to belong to. They need to be fed hot hot hot food that has been cooled before giving it to them. These are how to build the basic confidence for YOUR kids.

 They want to be taken care of because they are delicate dolls. They want to believe in people who believe in them, and if they trust their parents, they will not touch drugs if their parents say so. Therefore, it’s a really effective way to keep your kids in a good condition always.

Inspiration is what they need the most.