Connection, Conversation, and Inspiration

               When you experienced your problems, you want to give up everything you’ve started – but if you step back and take a look at what you’ve done so far, you would say why can’t you just walk through it? For all the things you have done, why stop it now?

              “BUT”! When you come across a problem, do you have time or feeling or sense to step back and think objectively about your case? No, not all of us can do that, and that’s why we need counseling, we need to let it out – the problems have to be out to be evaluated objectively by others, confidentially (if you like it that way.)

                Telling somebody your own problem does not mean that you’re not as intelligent as your counselor or you cannot deal with your own problems. It does not mean that you’re weak. It means just the opposite. You need to address your problems in order to let everyone else learns from your case and it could help them in some ways in the future.

               People are connected. We need connection, conversation, and inspiration.

                I’ve been thinking of how to be connected with the people like me – to get to know more of them, more of their problems, to get to know that I am not alone. Now I realize that it is time for people of my kind to welcome to my life!

               Before you decided to pull the trigger or attempt to hurt yourself, just e-mail me – tell me your problems. I am not saying that I will definitely save your souls, I am not that special. I just want to know you and your problems and I will decide later what I will say to you.

A Confession of a Daughter

This is a true story written by one of my friends, Ms. Mixsell. 

Edited by Ney Someta.

I Need Air

          I promised my best friends to quit posting suicidal stuff, but it’s just too hard to keep that promise. It’s not like my best friend is not important enough to make me keep my promise, but all those promises are connected in a complicated way and that it turned out that I find it’s hard to keep my own words. I feel the need to break my promise. It seems to me that people around me seem to not even care about keeping their promises at all, formally and informally.

          Why do people never care to keep their promises? If they can’t do what they say, why the hell do they keep saying? Maybe they want us to fit in their norms to survive in their societies, but how can we be obedient leaders?

          Sorry, I’m not that obedient. Don’t make me feel stupid and obedient because I’m young. I’m old enough to know who says the truth, or what is dark and light.

          This paradox is just not what I want, or is that what they want? They create norms for me to obey, but they f–k their own norms. What’s the point?

          Do they want to push me to calm myself by saying Hello to heroine? To by a rope to hang myself or to go back to the start when we both know my bridge was already cut?

          Everyone wants to get away from depression/ / suicidal blocks the way/ /cuts the wing/. It’s very common for people to understand that, but I still think that only the one who is in the box can feel the suffocation – the trap, but sometimes when I was trapped in a box, I was convinced that I had been experiencing living in the real world, and Yeah! I was fooled by the beauty I saw through the box’s cells, but how could the box have cells?

Image’s InFO

           It was all an illusion to fool me. I almost never knew what I was in. I just knew that I couldn’t straighten my legs and my arms. I couldn’t stand straight. I felt like I was literally in a 1m³ box with a barbed roof. I was queasy and the dizziness in my stomach made me nervous each time I heard a voice, because I knew the voice was going to lure me to pull my mouth up and smile to show that I was grateful with the place they provided and the promises they made, but I knew I was just a project – a mouse for an experiment.

           What could I do to make my voice be heard? They’d say, “What are you to me to ask for that?”

           I knew the price I was after was very vague. It was on the edge of promises that were never fully kept. I had lost my voice for 4 months; they shut me up. I didn’t need an invisible shield to hide me. I was already invisible and completely ignored.

          When I was not strong enough to stay mute, I barely spoke up. My stories sucked; they were vague just like my future, my novel was never written more than a few hundred words. I bet my writing mentor would suggest me to tell her the reason why she would need to take a look at my writings.

          All in all, my points were ambiguous, absolutely elusive. But I have to say it now because I’m afraid I’d lose my voice forever if I stayed shut down.

          I really need distractions – I need a lot of works to do to make me calm down; I just need to be busy with those works to be able to forget where I’m at. I was so confused that I didn’t even know I needed help.

          I’m not asking for a complete change in my condition, I want improvement. I know maybe I need 70% of the oxygen to stay healthy, and I know I might not be able to lose my breath when I get only 10% of the oxygen they have provided in the box – I know it’s not enough to kill me; and I know I’d be able to survive through that, but I need my heart to beat less than 200 beat per minute. Give me at least 40% of the overall oxygen I need to breathe.

Once the sun wouldn’t shine – just walk through the dark for a day

                My teacher said, “Sometimes things get blurred in front of us, but they get clearer in the future”. If you read some books about people’s lives, you’ll see, my teacher is right about what she said.

               Sometimes, we don’t know what we are doing, we don’t know whether these things we spend time with are worth doing, but time will help you to explain what these things you are doing mean to you. You just need to stay strong and conscious for it, time, to give you the strength to figure out.

               Do not give up your soberness! Be healthy with your body, mind, heart and soul. Everything is possible. My other teacher said that “problems are to be solved. They are a part of our lives; without them, we lost that part of our lives.”

               My new friend said she used to take a whole bottle of pills, but she said she was okay, at that time. There was no bubble coming out of her mouth like in the movie or like what she thought it would have happened. However, from then, she felt like her body was weaker than before. She is now more vulnerable than before, physically. Nevertheless, it taught her a lesson. She said, “After I took them, I started to realize that there is always a solution to a problem.”

              Now if I didn’t know her past, I’d think that she’s the happiest girl among all the girls I know.

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Re-socialize Yourselves!

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Image’s InFO: Living a Lie that Cannot Satisfy

              (Anyway, the point of this post is for some teenagers who really hate their lives or everyone around them to find another way to live through their days.)

              Sometimes I agree with what Jan Burke said in the video clip of The Day the Universe Changed that “all that matters about this life is getting ready for the next one.”

              Really, some people do not care about what they have for now; they are only worried about what they are going to have. Sometimes people think they never had what they wanted and they never have what they want. Some people are waiting for people around them to make them feel better or to give them what they want, and some people just want to get away from where they are. They’d scream, “Please, would somebody take me away from this pain.”

              Sometimes people want to go back to their past and start things all over again. They think it’d be better if they had another chance. For this point, it reminds me of the 17 Again movie, the idea that people think they should better do this or that instead if they had a chance to go back to the start. That’s never going to happen. Wake up, people! If you always wake up in the morning regretting what you have done, you’ll never be okay; besides, what’s the point to be upset all the time?

             Life sucks; everyone knows that, but you’ve got to have faith in what you’re doing and what you decide to do. If you make a mistake and you wish to go back to change it, you’re mistaken because the truth is you would make the same mistake again. That’s just because you are you, you always make your own mistakes. You can’t change what you’ve done, but you can always improve yourself.

            If you can’t handle the truth now, you never can because from day-to-day, things get harder. It’d never be better or easier. Drugs, alcohol, and sleeping pills can always cheat your current situation for a while. They make up illusionary scenes for you. They’d take you to the world you thought there’d be no frustration that the real world gives to you. That’s the idea you shouldn’t have had.

            Some people believe that drugs, alcohol, and sleeping pills would never lie. If you one of those people, you’re lying to yourself. Living with those things is worse than living a day without the sunlight because you’re living a lie. Therefore, you should reconsider how to live your life without those things.

            Once the sun wouldn’t shine, just walk through the dark for a day and you’ll find out you’re still breathing. Once you can do it, you survive the pain! That’s the best part of how to re-instal ways to live your live – re-socialize yourselves.

“Living. Dying. Run.”

             This is one of the short stories I’ve written for my Zines. My friends said they love them. I am proud to have written them. Thanks to my writing mentor, my writing pusher, and my editor. I’d never loved my writing until they said they loved it.

 

             Picture’s InFO: Sunny Cover

             Anyway, I was in a book store. I saw a book; it looked like a French Carnival girl to me, but the three words, Living. Dying. Run, on the cover pushed me to pick it up. I opened the book and read the first day of Sunny – The California Diaries by Ann. M. Martin.

 

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No further question to myself. I just bought it.

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             It’s not relevant to think that it’s better to feel like I’m not the only one who feels worse about my life. Wouldn’t it be better to know there’s someone else who is suffering the same pain as yours? As I said, it’s not a good idea, it’s selfish, but having someone understand what you’re feeling is just the right medicine for your pain to heal.

             I write a lot of dark stories which connected to my feelings. Even though the book is a fiction, it shows me the real pain of the character, and I felt better after reading it.

             One of my friends who used to be an addict said that he did it because he couldn’t handle his depression. It seemed to him that everybody else was having a better life.

              My goody-goody friend who is a suicidal asked herself why wouldn’t she have a normal life and make normal mistakes like others.

               A lot of teens would feel the same way about these points. They may ask the same questions, “why wouldn’t anybody understand me?”, “why can’t I be okay like others?”

               Maybe, reading books, listening to music, or watching movies can make you feel better; they give you inspiration. Do not say that your life is not a movie because some parts of the books, music, or movies are about your life. These are the expression of how people feel or what people would do. These things are made to communicate with you; they are made to be connected with you so that you’d like them and you get good and bad experiences from them.

               Most of them are made to inspire you, to make you think of your life better in many ways. People are not the same, and that’s the reason why these books, music, movies, or paintings are created differently to match each of your interest –  to inspire you, to make you feel better.

               One thing that I always tell myself when I’m stressed out is “if you’re lost, go find inspiration to find your way.” Then I read books, listen to music, watching movies, or look at some paintings to find myself the connection that I need to build my soul.

               Stay off drugs, fellows. Think of a better way to live in the real world.

Drugs make your life become the meaning of one word – RUINED

             Reading Mr. James Frey’s work is surprising. The book came to me from nowhere, and it ended up in front of me. So I read it.

Image’s Info: A Million Little Pieces

            A Million Little Pieces is a scary book to be related to the author’s situation. I made many stupid faces while reading it. It was a good book for addicts and sobers. Although some parts of it are exaggerated a bit or a lot, the book does show how it feels to be an addict. People say, “It’s easy said than done.” Knowing something is difficult is not the same thing as feeling something is difficult.

            He, Mr. Frey, proves that this saying is true enough. One more thing is that, “Prevention is better than cured.” Through his book, A Million Little Pieces, he shows how damaged a person at his age could be done to himself. He shows how being an addict destroys everything he used to have.

            Drug & Alcohol give you intrepid feelings. It makes you think of nothing but being full of confident to destroy and kill. After a while, when you’re addicted, you’re scared of everything around you more than you ever feel. It makes you scared to be yourself, and it makes you feel like you’ve got to shoot drug to calm yourself down. It makes you feel whatever you don’t want to feel, but whatever you body wants to feel.You can’t stay sober because you’re scared of being off drug. You tell yourself you just can’t because without it your heart beat faster, you’re out of breath.

            Even if you’re clean, you still think of doing it again everytime, no matter while you’re asleep or awake. At least a year or two after you quit, you start to feel like you can survive without it again. Therefore, you should understand that drug is not what you want because what it gives you is whatever you don’t want to get.

            You can actually ignore your problems when you’re high, but don’t forget that those problems of yours are still there for you. They are never be solved by ignoring them. They won’t go away unless you face them, fight them off your back, and put them out of your face.

             Doing drug is just to make your life worse. When life is everything you want it to be, don’t let drug makes your life become the meaning of one word, which is RUINED.

Vegetable and Meat Moments

            Do NOT let drugs shut your brain and your heart down.

            Try to be positive for your life and what you are living for. Today, I’ve got an example about living in good and bad moments of life.

Image’s Info: Meal

             Well, let start with this one: Life is like a plate full of meat and vegetable. For me, Vegetable looks fresh, but Meat tastes good. This definition is only for some people like me, the type of people who like meat and hate eating vegetables.

            My parents always told me to finish the food before I cleaned the plate. Most of the time, I demanded not to eat vegetables because it tasted funny to me. Plus, I felt miserable everytime I ate it. However, my mom told me that it was good for health; it could help me to keep living in a good condition.

            Life is somehow like that. When nothing makes sense, you get confused, and you can’t see if there’s any meat left for the rest of your life. Vegetable, there are always vegetable moments to experience again and again. So, you want to quit tasting bad things when you think you can’t handle them anymore.

Photo’s Infor: Yuck Vegetables

             It’s not what you need to do. Everything has both sides. You don’t like a vegetable life, but you will get a disease if you eat too much meat. That’s the reason why you need vegetables for your body to balance.

Picture’s Info: Meat Murderer

            Just like your life, literally. You can’t just laugh 24/7. You’ll be crazy since there’s nothing to worry about. You’ll be confused when life is easy. You’ll be overwhelming when life is just another moment to be laughing. Therefore, people like me should be open and positive to vegetable moments. (Ah… that’s what I hate the most about food, but that’s what makes the meat become more delicious to me.)

Image’s Info: Eating Vegetables

            What I’m trying to say is we should be open to our problems to be stronger; we should be open to sadness to be able to laugh harder. You know what, when you know nothing about sadness, you don’t know when you’re supposed to be happy. If you’ve never been in the darkness, you wouldn’t know what the meaning of sunlight is.

            One more thing for the type people like me: eat both meat and vegetable, literally and figuratively. “Remember to finish the food before you clean the plate.” Don’t forget to enjoy every bite of your food. Don’t waste it and don’t quit eating.      

Photo’s Info: Enjoy Your Meal

            Stay sober, be stronger, and don’t forget to laugh harder because that’s what life is worth living for.

Go For It!

             My previous post is pretty much about depression. We all know what it is and how it affects us. Now I’ve got something for all the depressed people to think of live positively. Well, at least the book helps you to not think of yourself as a big Loser in the world. Read GO FOR IT! By Dr. Irene C. Kassorla. It’s about how to win at love, work, and play - how to think of your life differently. She’s a psychologist, and she knows how to give advice.

             Some people might not agree to read something bright or positive. Trust me; I know how it feels to be depressed. I used to be a very negative person. Everything that I thought or saw was dark and death. It was pretty much sad and it sucked, but things change, people change. Time can heal your brain after all, and it will make you think of something you should do to brighten yourself instead of just being in the darkness in order to make everyone else feels guilty about you living in the shadow.

             Now let’s read it!

Friday 7th August 2009

This is a sample of suicidal letters. It’s written by the one I really love – still alive, and edited by me. I don’t know if drug attempters could have any pieces of writing like this. Nonetheless, there should be places for them to recover from depression.

Attempt Is An Addiction

              I spent my vacation in Cambodia. It was worse than what I expected, but I prepared for it to happen anyway. So it’s better when something is predictable.

              One thing that I want to put in is about “Teen Attempter.” It could be suicide attempters or drug attempters. Both are almost similar cases, except for one difference that suicide attempters throw away only their futures, but drug attempters could blow up other’s as well.

Photo’s InFO: Feeling Alone

              You might as well do not want to believe that I’m in a category of teen suicidal. I used to feel it, the need of being out of my life, stronger. I was so sick of my life, but then I’ve got a solution to that. I just need to get a life. Sometimes I believe that the longer I live, the longer want to stay alive. I know it’s easier said than done, but after all, I realized that if I always get what I’m asking for, then what is it I want out of my life?

              Sometimes I thanked my father for the fact that he never gave what I asked for because then I have come to know how to get what I want by myself, and it is much better. Life is meaningful only when it’s painful and you still survive it. If you were born to be a person with everything, without pain, you’re nothing at all. Just die the day you born.

              I’m surprised when I get to know that my best friend in Cambodia is in that list too. The second time we met during my vacation there, she asked me, “How often did you want to kill yourself?”

              “Honestly?”

              “Yeah,”

             “Well, I didn’t want to kill myself, but didn’t hesitate to be killed.”

             “So, how often did you want to die?”

             “Uh…everyday, I guess.”

             Then we busted out laughing about 2 minutes. It was kind of funny when best friends’ talk is about suicidal and it turned out to be we’re not very different.

              Well then I said, “You know, the second I got closer to death, I just wanted to breathe. Whenever I felt like a trip or a thing is going to kill me, I’ve found the way to protect my life, a way to just keep on breathing.”

              “That’s not uncommon! I’ve read a book about teen suicidal and there’s a teenage girl who cringed when she saw or heard about suicide, but later, she took pain killer pills a whole bottle. It was too much for her to handle. She said she couldn’t do anything about death or a live at that time. She wanted to take the pain away.” She explained.

              Then I told her about another girl story, “Yeah, there’s a girl who took rats’ pill. She said if she knew that committing suicide was that hard, she wouldn’t have killed herself.”

Image’s InFO: Suicide

              My best friend cringed when she heard the story.

              “I know, she died once, that’s what I meant.”

               She made her face even more like a do-you-even-notice-what-you’re-saying look. I was like, “it was in a magazine. The girl sort of remembers her past life. She was around 6 years old when she was interviewed!”

               Then I gave up convincing her. “Alright, what do you have to say earlier?”

                Then she explained that teenagers are attempters, but adults are the completers. However, adults rarely commit suicide because the longer they live, the longer they get used to being alive. They, most of adults, can handle their lives pretty well. Nonetheless, the more a person is attempting to do one thing, whether killing themselves or doing drug, or buying weapons, the closer that person get to do it completely.

               Pic’s InFO: Depression

               Attempt is like an addiction. Once you want to do it, you just want it to be done. Therefore, do not PUSH attempters to do what they attempt to do. It’s such a bad idea.

 

               After all we need counselors for teen attempters. For example, in the US, there are social services for people who attempt to commit suicide. Most of the times, the moment people want to end their lives, they call the number, and in some ways, they are convinced that live is worth living for.

Image’s InFo: Teen Suicide

               Some attempters who are in the suicidal committee, they get yellow cards which are the symbol of committing suicide. So when they really want to do it, they just show others the yellow cards. It means, instead of saying I want to kill myself right now, it’s easier to just hand the cards over to somebody. And most likely, they are saved and supported by the ones who are given or showed the cards.

               I think this is the best way to save their lives in time, for now. So for drug attempters, there should have some programs like this one. Like a saying, “Prevent is better than Cured.”

 

 

 

              Anymore information about suicide and solution, please go to the website http://suicidal.com/.

 

Image’s InFO: Save A Life